Physical Healing.......Or Not

Healing - this is such a difficult topic, even and especially among followers of Christ. And let me be clear, I am speaking specifically about physical healing.

It seems to me that there are two extreme camps in Christian healing doctrine. One camp says that we shouldn't even pray for healing, because whatever God allows in our life is part of His will, and if He wanted us healthy, He would heal us. The other says that everyone can get healed if only they pray or believe or have faith in the proper way. 

And then there are a whole bunch of people awkwardly sitting in the middle of the camps; people who don't believe that God will always heal if you just have "enough faith", but who also do pray for God to heal, and yet can't give much of an answer about why some people are healed and why some are not. 

I was one of those awkwardly-in-the-middle people for most of my life. And I was pretty comfortable there, not really needing an answer to my questions. That is, until I was suddenly faced with chronic sickness. 

I've been dealing with something for five years now, and neither I nor any doctors have found an answer or a cure. A few months ago, in preparation for a doctor's appointment, I wrote down every symptom that I deal with and there were nearly 30 items on the list. Let me tell you, poor health is one of the most discouraging things, especially for someone whose entire self-worth is wrapped up in the accomplishment of her lengthy to-do list (and that's a whole other topic of discussion). 

This year, the questions about healing grew louder in my mind, and sitting in the middle of the camps felt increasingly awkward. However, neither camp made sense to me, and I have a very difficult time accepting things that don't make logical sense to me.

The one extreme, that illness is part of God's will and we shouldn't try to change it, makes it seem as though God doesn't care, that He is aloof and impersonal. Maybe He is doing what's best for us eternally, but He couldn't care less about any pain or hurt that we feel on this Earth and we shouldn't even bother asking for help. Yikes....why would I want to follow, obey, and love a Father who doesn't care?

The other extreme, that God will heal if you have enough faith, makes it seem as though it's MY fault that I'm ill. What am I doing wrong? Why don't I have enough faith and how do I get enough faith? Why am I not worthy of a healing? 

And so, I studied Scripture to see if I could find an answer. What I found was hard to swallow, but life-changing. 

I found that on the whole, when healing is mentioned in the Bible, it is in relation to healing our hearts and souls, healing from the disease of sin.

• Psalm 30:2 - David is rejoicing that God game him victory of his enemies, that God saved his soul, and at God's favor. 
• Psalm 41:4 - David is asking for is soul to be healed.
• Psalm 103:3 - David is speaking to his soul; he talks about the forgiveness of sin and redemption of his life; he is saying that God heals his soul's diseases. 
• Psalm 107:20 - When someone gets into trouble through their own disobedience, but then repents and cries out to God for help, God will save and heal them from their troubles. 
• Psalm 147:3 - God heals broken hearts.
• Isaiah 30:26 - God will heal the Israelites when they get rid of false idols and return to Him.
• Isaiah 53:5 - Healing from transgression and iniquities. 
• Isaiah 61:6 - Healing a broken heart.
• Jeremiah 3:22 - Healing from backsliding.
• Jeremiah 17:14 - The surrounding verses talk about the heart, and those that forsake God.
• Jeremiah 30:17 - Healing (restoring) the Israelites after captivity. 
• Matthew 13:15 - Jesus says that the people eyes and ear have been shut, so that they cannot turn to Him, repent, and be spiritually healed. 
• James 5:16 - Healing from faults.

But, you say, Jesus physically healed so many people in the New Testament! True; but what typically follows directly after the healing? The person believing that Jesus is the Christ, or an increase in their faith, or them following Him. Jesus chose to heal them physically because it was the best way to heal them spiritually. 

From my studying, I've come to believe that God is far more interested in healing us spiritually than physically. That makes sense to me, because our bodies are only here on this earth, but our souls are for eternity. It's far more important that our souls are healthy than our bodies. This doesn't mean that God doesn't care about our suffering, though. The Bible DOES speak many times about His peace and comfort being with us through the pain.

Paul is a great example of this. In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, we see that he prayed for healing, but God chose not to, because He knew that the best way to heal Paul spiritually was through a physical ailment. Once Paul accepted this, he rejoiced in his illness because he knew that it was bringing him closer to God. 

At first, this was very hard for me to deal with, that maybe physical healing will never come to me on this earth. But, ultimately, it helps me to reconcile the two camps and find great peace. Yes, God can and does heal on this earth - but if He doesn't heal me, it's not because I'm not good enough or not faithful enough. Yes, I can pray for physical healing, because God does care; but more importantly, I should pray for spiritual healing, know that God will comfort my heart and mind even in the midst of illness.  

Two books that have really helped me understand this better are Cultivate What Matters by Lara Casey, and The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis. 

In Cultivate, Lara uses a garden allegory to deal with lies that we believe about ourselves and our lives. This picture of our lives as a garden really hit home to me. I suddenly realized one day that good health and bad health are just plants in the garden. Bad health may be considered a weed, but hey, so are dandelions, and I love dandelions. Marriage, a job, a comfortable income, or any other life circumstance is just a plant. The more lasting part of the garden is the soil, which is our heart and our soul. Joy, peace, patience - those are all nutrients that need to be in our soil in order for good things to grow, and I believe that God is more concerned with healing our soil than with getting rid of the weeds. We can let the weeds take over our garden and choke out anything else that wants to grow. Or, we can let the weeds be tilled up into our soil, where they will provide nutrients to other plants. And maybe, someday, we can even consider our weeds to be beautiful flowers.  

The Problem of Pain was another eye-opener for me. I learned so much from that book, but one of the main ideas that stuck with me is that God is the greatest Good that there is. I may feel like good health is the greatest good He could give me, but God knows better. God desires our hearts to be wholly His, and He desires that our hearts would want Him more than anything else. He can and does use the pain in our lives to bring our hearts to Him, and to give our hearts the greatest Good, Himself. 

Knowing all of this has certainly not gotten rid of all my discouragement. In fact, I am re-studying and writing this as a good reminder to myself after several days of deep discouragement. However, I have found great peace this year in knowing these truths. Instead of constantly asking for a physical healing which may never come, I choose to ask more frequently for spiritual healing, something which I know God will delightedly do.

My Easter Dress and Thoughts on Hobbies

 Sew. Let's be honest for a minute. My generation is really awesome in that we're passionate about making a living doing things we love. If you've got to deal with the stress of work either way, why not make sure it's something you'll really love most of the time?

However, the downside to this is that it really drains the hobbies out of our lives. When everything that you enjoy has to make you money, you stop doing it simply for the enjoyment. Older generations understood that "work is work, and play is play"; "work hard, play hard"! But my generation, by trying to make our work always feel like play, have instead lost the true benefit of play. 

Sewing has been a hobby of mine for at least half my life now, but over the last year or so I was feeling burnt out. Not getting any enjoyment out of sewing, and wondering what was wrong with me. Truthfully, I blame it on three things. 

First, fit issues. I'm really particular about how my clothes fit and feel, and for a while I couldn't make anything fit properly; that combined with a body changing due to health issues had me really down-in-the-dumps about doing any personal sewing. 

Second, limited range of projects. The majority of what I was sewing was historical items. Yes, I adore historical costuming, but man, sometimes it's really refreshing to make whatever item you want out of whatever fabric you want, without having to worry that a dozen stitch-nazis will pounce on you if you do it wrong and don't have a dissertation's worth of primary sources to prove you right. 

Lastly, the fact that sewing is now my business. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy sewing for other people, and I am incredibly humbled and grateful that people are willing to purchase my imperfect creations and wear them in public. But sewing stopped being something I did simply for fun, and became entirely related to output. How much could I get done in how little time, while still making sure every detail was perfect so no customer was unhappy? Yikes. Talk about a kill-joy. 

All of a sudden, it clicked in March, while I was listening to a delightful and amazing podcast called Love To Sew. In the first two episodes I listened to, the interviewees talked about how they sew simply because they enjoy the process of sewing. Yes, it's nice to have a finished garment to wear, and yes, it's nice if it fits well and you love it. But in the end, did you enjoy making it? Did you enjoy the way the fabric felt, or the way the collar seemed to magically go together, or the nicely finished details you created? That is why we sew. 

Think of it like cooking. There are people who cook simply because they must eat; they are equally as satisfied by sticking frozen chicken-fingers in the oven as they are by following a recipe to cook from scratch. And then there are people who cook because they love the process. Frozen meals are so unsatisfying, because they want to see the colorful veggies on their cutting board as they dice them with a sharp knife, and hear the sizzling while sauteing, and wait patiently for the bread to get just the perfect brown on it. Of course it's great that they get to eat when they're done, but the cooking was equally as great. 

And that's what I realized: I don't want to sew just to create things. I want to sew because I enjoy the process of sewing. Since then, I have re-started sewing as a way to relax in the evening, embraced my love of hand sewing, and feel inspired to learn the nitty-gritty of garment fitting so that I can make things I really want to wear. I've been amazed at the ways that skills from historic sewing are just as helpful in modern sewing. And now I want to sew All. The. Things. 

All that rambling to say - my Easter dress! This is one of the first creations to come out of my sewing epiphany, and I truly love it. It started out as a wild 1970's outfit that was just a bit too much; the whole tunic and maxi skirt thing - I couldn't bring myself to wear it. But that fabric! Silky, and colorful, and oh so floral!

My original plan was to simply take in the tunic to fit me better, slightly alter the collar, and use the maxi skirt for something else entirely. But the more I thought about it, I realized that first, I didn't really like the shape of the tunic, and second, if I had a dress I was unlikely to ever make another garment out of the same fabric. So, if I had to take the tunic apart anyways to bring it in, why not really change it up? 

Skirt pleats.

 I started by taking off the collar, sleeves, and zipper. Then, I cut the dress in half at the waistline. I cut two new skirt panels from the maxi skirt, and sewed those in between the two original skirt panels, to end up with a fuller, four-panel skirt. Then, I pleated that new skirt back onto the bodice. I then drastically cut down the neck and re-inserted the zipper (which, holy cow, was actually fun to sew by hand). Last, I was going to entirely change the sleeve shape, but ended up simply shortening them a bit; I really loved that the bell shape helped the dress retain a bit of its 70's vibe. 

The lovely zipper placket.

I did all of this alteration by hand. It was so enjoyable to spend an evening or a weekend curled up under a fuzzy blanket, listening to podcasts, and feeling my needle slide through the silky fabric. 

One of the things I'm post proud of is that I took the time to finish all my inside seams. For most of the seams I folded the allowance in towards itself and whip-stitched the edges, but I also used a pretty green seam binding for the waistline and neckline. The inside of the dress is almost as pretty as the outside! 

These finishes mean so much to me because up until recently, I was too impatient to sew that way! I've always been a "good-enough" kind of person, and I'm certainly not a perfectionist now, but I've truly come to appreciate a well-made item that shows the maker spent a little extra time on it  to get it just right. I'm so proud of how far I've come in my sewing practice!

This dress definitely taught me that I still have a lot to learn. It fit a lot more comfortably before the sleeves were put back on, and why do I always get a weird little gap at the front of my dress whenever I do an open neckline? But, it's still a garment that fits well and that I love to wear, especially because wearing it reminds me of the joy of making it!

Sew. If you've made it all the way to here, thank you. I hope, if nothing else, this inspires you to go do something you love, simply for the enjoyment of doing it!

This Is Only A Season

In the last dark days of winter

When another storm comes ‘round

When all is dead and frozen

And snow fall covers the ground

It’s days like these that remind us

That life will spring anew

The sun, it warms and cheers us

Knowing the cold days are few

We do not doubt or worry

That spring will come at last

We simply wait with excitement

Till these wintry days are past

 

So why in life is it easy

To forget this lesson of seasons

We think we’ll be stuck here forever

And needlessly fret without reasons

Yet God is still working the while

He has not abandoned us here

Winter will spring into summer

And all the time He is near

So let’s hope for a warmer tomorrow

As the sun shines on our face

But even so, just remember

Today is a pleasant place

What I'm Learning About Trust

Trust is a funny thing, isn't it? It's this grand idea floating around in our heads and a perfect word to use in profound platitudes and motivational memes, but it is incredibly hard to figure out in *real life*. And for me, trust is terrifying.

I've known for a very long time that trust and fear were two of my biggest challenges in life, but I had never taken the time or had the clarity to figure out *why* they were so difficult. This year, thanks to my PowerSheets and God's revelation, I was able to pinpoint it and put it into words.

I am afraid of trusting other people and God because if I let go of control, they may not make choices that I hope/plan/expect, and their decisions may affect me negatively.

Wow. Even as I wrote this I cringed over my own need for "control". But, there it was; the truth about my fears. Yes, my trust issues really affect all my relationships, including with God.

You see, people always like to say things such as,

"Don't be afraid of that, just trust God!"

"Trust God and He'll protect you."

"Trust God and everything will be okay."

Yet that doesn't seem true. God doesn't always protect you from pain. He doesn't always stop bad things from happening. He doesn't always get rid of the difficulty.

Which really is okay. It's not that I expect my life to be cushy, perfect, and pain free just because I'm a Christian. I know that's not promised to us, and in fact I know that God can use the pain and imperfection to make us more like Him. What I struggled with was this: if God isn't going to keep bad things from happening, then *what* am I supposed to trust Him *for*?

Well, in a moment of great frustration and confusion, God graciously led me to read Psalm 56, and verse 11 stood out to me as if it had turned into 3D and jumped off the page.

"In God have I put my trust; I will not be afraid of what man can do to me."

It's so simple, isn't it? I honestly felt like smacking my forehead and saying, "Duh, Allison, why haven't you figured this out before now?" Well, God used so many challenging circumstances from last year to bring me to a point of understanding this verse for what felt like the first time.

This is verse is not saying, "I won't be afraid of bad things, because I trust God will stop them." Rather, "Yes, bad things WILL happen; but, I won't be afraid of the bad things happening, because I trust that God will give me His grace and strength in the midst of that bad thing." Wow; as soon as I was able to accept that the bad things would happen, I was able to begin moving past my fear of them.

You know what's so cool about many of the verses that talk about trusting God, especially in Psalms? They're in reference to battles. God is referred to as a shield, a fortress, a strong tower, a place of refuge and rest (Psalm 33:19-22; Psalm 144:2-4; Proverbs 18:10-11). You know something else? Shield are useless if you're sitting safely at home in your fuzzy pajamas, drinking hot chocolate. A shield is only worth something when you're in the battle, arrows flying and swords slashing.

I find this so encouraging because life often feels like a battle to me. A battle against my own flesh and sinful tendencies, against fear, discouragement, jealousy, discontentment, selfishness, and so much more. And that's OKAY! The battle WILL happen, but God is my shield!

I believe that a vivid imagination is a gift from God, and it has certainly helped me to understand this idea more clearly. I imagine myself as a warrior in the middle of a heated battled. I imagine that standing on a battlefield with just a shield to protect you from arrows flying all around is not very comfortable, even if none of the arrows hit you. I imagine that defending a fortress is hard, sweaty, tiresome work, even if the enemy never breaks through the gate or scales the wall. I imagine that retreating from the front lines back to a place of safety and rest requires a lot of alertness and some skillful maneuvering.

I guess what I'm getting at is that not only will the battle happen, but it may not be comfortable. The bad things will come, and even if we *are* trusting God, it may still hurt and feel really hard. But that doesn't mean trusting God is not working or not worth it. 

Let me tell you, this truth has revolutionized my year, and it's only February 4th! Because I can accept that bad things will happen and that people may make choices that I don't want or that affect me negatively,  I can use the shield of trust as it's meant to be used. Ultimately, my trust is in God, to be my provider, my friend, my encouragement, my help, my strength, so I no longer have to fear that other people won't be those things for me. Trusting God first and foremost has freed me to trust other people more willingly, because I know God's grace and strength will be there even if those people disappoint me. 

One of the ways this has been most apparent to me this month is in finances. When "they" say that finances are one of the biggest causes of conflict in marriage, "they" weren't kidding. When two people who have different views on how money should be handled suddenly have to share their money, there's bound to be issues. Now, I'm incredibly thankful that Stephen and I have been able to communicate well and work through these things, but we are still different people with different opinions.

I am so blessed and amazed by how much peace I felt about our finances in January, one of our lowest-income months, and truly trusting God has made all the difference! Normally, I would have seriously stressed about not having enough money for bills, and freaked out any time Stephen made a choice with our money that I wouldn't have, and even foolishly felt like Stephen didn't really care about us or our financial future. Instead, I have been grateful to have enough money to pay the bills, and have seen the reasoning and careful thought Stephen puts into his choices, and felt confident that Stephen does care about us and our money. Has it been a perfect month? No. Have I still felt the fear and worry at times? Yes. Have I spent a lot of time in prayer over it? Yes. 

And that is exactly the point. Finances and bills and money issues *will* always be there. But God will also always be there, shielding me with His grace. He is my provider, even if I do have to walk through a bad or difficult time in our finances. And I am SO grateful for that. 

Truthfully, even writing this post is requiring me to face fears and practice trust. Trusting that my worth is found in God, even if this causes someone to have a lessor opinion of me. Trusting that I have something valuable to say, that God can use my experiences and my imperfect words to encourage others. 

And I hope that's what this does for you. I am excited (and kind of terrified =P ) to continue learning about trust this year; I know that it will require me to walk through many more challenges, that I have certainly not figured it all out yet, and that it is only by God's grace I have learned as much as I have. But I hope this helps you to practice trusting God through whatever difficult circumstance you're dealing with, and that we can encourage each other even as we stand in the midst of the battle.