Trust is a funny thing, isn't it? It's this grand idea floating around in our heads and a perfect word to use in profound platitudes and motivational memes, but it is incredibly hard to figure out in *real life*. And for me, trust is terrifying.
I've known for a very long time that trust and fear were two of my biggest challenges in life, but I had never taken the time or had the clarity to figure out *why* they were so difficult. This year, thanks to my PowerSheets and God's revelation, I was able to pinpoint it and put it into words.
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| I am afraid of trusting other people and God because if I let go of control, they may not make choices that I hope/plan/expect, and their decisions may affect me negatively. |
Wow. Even as I wrote this I cringed over my own need for "control". But, there it was; the truth about my fears. Yes, my trust issues really affect all my relationships, including with God.
You see, people always like to say things such as,
"Don't be afraid of that, just trust God!"
"Trust God and He'll protect you."
"Trust God and everything will be okay."
Yet that doesn't seem true. God doesn't always protect you from pain. He doesn't always stop bad things from happening. He doesn't always get rid of the difficulty.
Which really is okay. It's not that I expect my life to be cushy, perfect, and pain free just because I'm a Christian. I know that's not promised to us, and in fact I know that God can use the pain and imperfection to make us more like Him. What I struggled with was this: if God isn't going to keep bad things from happening, then *what* am I supposed to trust Him *for*?
Well, in a moment of great frustration and confusion, God graciously led me to read Psalm 56, and verse 11 stood out to me as if it had turned into 3D and jumped off the page.
"In God have I put my trust; I will not be afraid of what man can do to me."
It's so simple, isn't it? I honestly felt like smacking my forehead and saying, "Duh, Allison, why haven't you figured this out before now?" Well, God used so many challenging circumstances from last year to bring me to a point of understanding this verse for what felt like the first time.
This is verse is not saying, "I won't be afraid of bad things, because I trust God will stop them." Rather, "Yes, bad things WILL happen; but, I won't be afraid of the bad things happening, because I trust that God will give me His grace and strength in the midst of that bad thing." Wow; as soon as I was able to accept that the bad things would happen, I was able to begin moving past my fear of them.
You know what's so cool about many of the verses that talk about trusting God, especially in Psalms? They're in reference to battles. God is referred to as a shield, a fortress, a strong tower, a place of refuge and rest (Psalm 33:19-22; Psalm 144:2-4; Proverbs 18:10-11). You know something else? Shield are useless if you're sitting safely at home in your fuzzy pajamas, drinking hot chocolate. A shield is only worth something when you're in the battle, arrows flying and swords slashing.
I find this so encouraging because life often feels like a battle to me. A battle against my own flesh and sinful tendencies, against fear, discouragement, jealousy, discontentment, selfishness, and so much more. And that's OKAY! The battle WILL happen, but God is my shield!
I believe that a vivid imagination is a gift from God, and it has certainly helped me to understand this idea more clearly. I imagine myself as a warrior in the middle of a heated battled. I imagine that standing on a battlefield with just a shield to protect you from arrows flying all around is not very comfortable, even if none of the arrows hit you. I imagine that defending a fortress is hard, sweaty, tiresome work, even if the enemy never breaks through the gate or scales the wall. I imagine that retreating from the front lines back to a place of safety and rest requires a lot of alertness and some skillful maneuvering.
I guess what I'm getting at is that not only will the battle happen, but it may not be comfortable. The bad things will come, and even if we *are* trusting God, it may still hurt and feel really hard. But that doesn't mean trusting God is not working or not worth it.
Let me tell you, this truth has revolutionized my year, and it's only February 4th! Because I can accept that bad things will happen and that people may make choices that I don't want or that affect me negatively, I can use the shield of trust as it's meant to be used. Ultimately, my trust is in God, to be my provider, my friend, my encouragement, my help, my strength, so I no longer have to fear that other people won't be those things for me. Trusting God first and foremost has freed me to trust other people more willingly, because I know God's grace and strength will be there even if those people disappoint me.
One of the ways this has been most apparent to me this month is in finances. When "they" say that finances are one of the biggest causes of conflict in marriage, "they" weren't kidding. When two people who have different views on how money should be handled suddenly have to share their money, there's bound to be issues. Now, I'm incredibly thankful that Stephen and I have been able to communicate well and work through these things, but we are still different people with different opinions.
I am so blessed and amazed by how much peace I felt about our finances in January, one of our lowest-income months, and truly trusting God has made all the difference! Normally, I would have seriously stressed about not having enough money for bills, and freaked out any time Stephen made a choice with our money that I wouldn't have, and even foolishly felt like Stephen didn't really care about us or our financial future. Instead, I have been grateful to have enough money to pay the bills, and have seen the reasoning and careful thought Stephen puts into his choices, and felt confident that Stephen does care about us and our money. Has it been a perfect month? No. Have I still felt the fear and worry at times? Yes. Have I spent a lot of time in prayer over it? Yes.
And that is exactly the point. Finances and bills and money issues *will* always be there. But God will also always be there, shielding me with His grace. He is my provider, even if I do have to walk through a bad or difficult time in our finances. And I am SO grateful for that.
Truthfully, even writing this post is requiring me to face fears and practice trust. Trusting that my worth is found in God, even if this causes someone to have a lessor opinion of me. Trusting that I have something valuable to say, that God can use my experiences and my imperfect words to encourage others.
And I hope that's what this does for you. I am excited (and kind of terrified =P ) to continue learning about trust this year; I know that it will require me to walk through many more challenges, that I have certainly not figured it all out yet, and that it is only by God's grace I have learned as much as I have. But I hope this helps you to practice trusting God through whatever difficult circumstance you're dealing with, and that we can encourage each other even as we stand in the midst of the battle.
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