What I'm Learning About Trust

Trust is a funny thing, isn't it? It's this grand idea floating around in our heads and a perfect word to use in profound platitudes and motivational memes, but it is incredibly hard to figure out in *real life*. And for me, trust is terrifying.

I've known for a very long time that trust and fear were two of my biggest challenges in life, but I had never taken the time or had the clarity to figure out *why* they were so difficult. This year, thanks to my PowerSheets and God's revelation, I was able to pinpoint it and put it into words.

I am afraid of trusting other people and God because if I let go of control, they may not make choices that I hope/plan/expect, and their decisions may affect me negatively.

Wow. Even as I wrote this I cringed over my own need for "control". But, there it was; the truth about my fears. Yes, my trust issues really affect all my relationships, including with God.

You see, people always like to say things such as,

"Don't be afraid of that, just trust God!"

"Trust God and He'll protect you."

"Trust God and everything will be okay."

Yet that doesn't seem true. God doesn't always protect you from pain. He doesn't always stop bad things from happening. He doesn't always get rid of the difficulty.

Which really is okay. It's not that I expect my life to be cushy, perfect, and pain free just because I'm a Christian. I know that's not promised to us, and in fact I know that God can use the pain and imperfection to make us more like Him. What I struggled with was this: if God isn't going to keep bad things from happening, then *what* am I supposed to trust Him *for*?

Well, in a moment of great frustration and confusion, God graciously led me to read Psalm 56, and verse 11 stood out to me as if it had turned into 3D and jumped off the page.

"In God have I put my trust; I will not be afraid of what man can do to me."

It's so simple, isn't it? I honestly felt like smacking my forehead and saying, "Duh, Allison, why haven't you figured this out before now?" Well, God used so many challenging circumstances from last year to bring me to a point of understanding this verse for what felt like the first time.

This is verse is not saying, "I won't be afraid of bad things, because I trust God will stop them." Rather, "Yes, bad things WILL happen; but, I won't be afraid of the bad things happening, because I trust that God will give me His grace and strength in the midst of that bad thing." Wow; as soon as I was able to accept that the bad things would happen, I was able to begin moving past my fear of them.

You know what's so cool about many of the verses that talk about trusting God, especially in Psalms? They're in reference to battles. God is referred to as a shield, a fortress, a strong tower, a place of refuge and rest (Psalm 33:19-22; Psalm 144:2-4; Proverbs 18:10-11). You know something else? Shield are useless if you're sitting safely at home in your fuzzy pajamas, drinking hot chocolate. A shield is only worth something when you're in the battle, arrows flying and swords slashing.

I find this so encouraging because life often feels like a battle to me. A battle against my own flesh and sinful tendencies, against fear, discouragement, jealousy, discontentment, selfishness, and so much more. And that's OKAY! The battle WILL happen, but God is my shield!

I believe that a vivid imagination is a gift from God, and it has certainly helped me to understand this idea more clearly. I imagine myself as a warrior in the middle of a heated battled. I imagine that standing on a battlefield with just a shield to protect you from arrows flying all around is not very comfortable, even if none of the arrows hit you. I imagine that defending a fortress is hard, sweaty, tiresome work, even if the enemy never breaks through the gate or scales the wall. I imagine that retreating from the front lines back to a place of safety and rest requires a lot of alertness and some skillful maneuvering.

I guess what I'm getting at is that not only will the battle happen, but it may not be comfortable. The bad things will come, and even if we *are* trusting God, it may still hurt and feel really hard. But that doesn't mean trusting God is not working or not worth it. 

Let me tell you, this truth has revolutionized my year, and it's only February 4th! Because I can accept that bad things will happen and that people may make choices that I don't want or that affect me negatively,  I can use the shield of trust as it's meant to be used. Ultimately, my trust is in God, to be my provider, my friend, my encouragement, my help, my strength, so I no longer have to fear that other people won't be those things for me. Trusting God first and foremost has freed me to trust other people more willingly, because I know God's grace and strength will be there even if those people disappoint me. 

One of the ways this has been most apparent to me this month is in finances. When "they" say that finances are one of the biggest causes of conflict in marriage, "they" weren't kidding. When two people who have different views on how money should be handled suddenly have to share their money, there's bound to be issues. Now, I'm incredibly thankful that Stephen and I have been able to communicate well and work through these things, but we are still different people with different opinions.

I am so blessed and amazed by how much peace I felt about our finances in January, one of our lowest-income months, and truly trusting God has made all the difference! Normally, I would have seriously stressed about not having enough money for bills, and freaked out any time Stephen made a choice with our money that I wouldn't have, and even foolishly felt like Stephen didn't really care about us or our financial future. Instead, I have been grateful to have enough money to pay the bills, and have seen the reasoning and careful thought Stephen puts into his choices, and felt confident that Stephen does care about us and our money. Has it been a perfect month? No. Have I still felt the fear and worry at times? Yes. Have I spent a lot of time in prayer over it? Yes. 

And that is exactly the point. Finances and bills and money issues *will* always be there. But God will also always be there, shielding me with His grace. He is my provider, even if I do have to walk through a bad or difficult time in our finances. And I am SO grateful for that. 

Truthfully, even writing this post is requiring me to face fears and practice trust. Trusting that my worth is found in God, even if this causes someone to have a lessor opinion of me. Trusting that I have something valuable to say, that God can use my experiences and my imperfect words to encourage others. 

And I hope that's what this does for you. I am excited (and kind of terrified =P ) to continue learning about trust this year; I know that it will require me to walk through many more challenges, that I have certainly not figured it all out yet, and that it is only by God's grace I have learned as much as I have. But I hope this helps you to practice trusting God through whatever difficult circumstance you're dealing with, and that we can encourage each other even as we stand in the midst of the battle.

Dear Liesel Marie

Dear Liesel Marie, 

     Happy Due Date, my darling. 

Part of me can't believe that you are not inside me and I will never hold you in my arms. The other part of me can't imagine what it would be like to have a tiny infant right now, to be responsible for raising a little human. 

But let me back up and tell you how I got to this point. 

You came to us on April 1st of this year; at least, that's when we found out about you. The awkward mix this year of Easter and April Fool's day seems appropriate for how we felt - was this a bad prank or a gift of new life?

The weeks leading up to that pregnancy test were full of health issues, car issues, busyness at work, and suppressing panic at the thought of being pregnant. Truthfully, we were trying not to have kids; but, no method of birth control is 100% effective, and so you came. 

I'll be honest - as soon as I saw that positive sign on the pregnancy test, I felt a huge weight of fear fall on me. "We're not ready yet!" kept pounding through my head. As your dad and I sat on the couch overcome by shock and fear, I thought, "This isn't how it's supposed to be!" The arrival of our first child should be a time full of joy and excitement, not tears and uncertainty. 

That first day or two were really difficult for both of us. My mind kept running in circles, trying to process this new life. How was this going to work out? We didn't have enough money, I was working three jobs, our apartment was really tiny, we weren't ready yet! I was afraid of others finding out; it was as if I could hear their voices loud and clear - 

"How could you make such a stupid mistake?"

"There is such a thing as birth control, you know."

"You guys aren't prepared for this!"

"You've only been married 7 months!"

Abortion was never an option for us, but I'll admit that I can now understand why to some, it might seem like a good option at the time. I am SO thankful for the way that your dad and I came together during this time, and for the support of my sister as I shared all my fears and doubts with her. But, if a woman is faced with a surprise pregnancy, and her family won't support her, or her boyfriend is angry about it, or she's working several jobs just to make ends meet, I can better understand how our minds would make it feel like the best option is to just get rid of the "problem" and make everything go back to normal. But, it makes me so sad that any woman would ever choose that option. So, thank you for helping me to learn a new compassion and grace for others. 

Well, as the week went on and we talked about you, and prayed about you, and our minds settled, we grew more and more excited. Yes, it was still kind of scary, but somehow we'd work it out and make it through, and, we had a child!

All along, I had been having odd cramps and back pain, along with other symptoms. That week, Friday afternoon, something changed. I remember thinking, "Oh, I feel normal again!" I still think with regret about how it seemed like a good thing to me at the time, but I couldn't have known. That night, I had the worst back pain I can ever remember, and the next day, Saturday, April 7th, we lost you. 

It's ironic - they say you don't know what you've got til it's gone. That was certainly true with you. Although my excitement had been growing over the week, it wasn't until the moment I saw the blood and felt what was happening that I truly knew just how much I wanted you. 

Miscarriages are cruel. It's the worst period, worst flu, and worst emotional trauma you've ever had, all rolled into one terrible bundle. 

The next few weeks were some of the most difficult I've ever experienced. I felt so guilty - what if it was my fault? Is it because I didn't want you at first? Is there something I did wrong to cause it? My body must be screwed up. 

I felt angry at God. Why did You allow this? Where are You? I felt like a little child, sitting on the floor and building a block tower. Just one week ago, God had come along and knocked down my tower with the news of a baby. And then, just as I had picked up the spilled blocks and starting building again, He came over and knocked the tower down all over again. Like a little child, I was sitting on the floor crying, angry, confused, and surrounded by mess. 

It took a while. It took lots of ugly cries, and lots of shouting at God, and lots of reading Scripture, and lots of declaring the truth even when it seemed false. But eventually, things changed. Something a dear lady at church shared was the turning point for me. She showed a video of a little girl throwing her arms into the air and shouting "Daddy!" with such joy. She used this as an illustration for worship, and talked about how some of the times she needed to worship God the most were the times when she felt like it the least. I realized that like the child on the floor, surrounded by mess and confusion and tears, if I would just throw my arms up and say "Daddy, hold me!" that He was waiting to pick me up, hold me tight, wipe away my tears, and show me His plan. 

That was the first time I truly surrendered you to God, and let me say, He showed up. I experienced Him in a way that was so much more real than I ever could have imagined. 

Over the next several months, I continued to heal. I am so thankful for the way God used you in my life, and in my relationship with your dad, and how He taught me new grace, new compassion, and a new reliance on Him. 

A month or two after, we decided that we wanted to name you. Your dad and I wanted to celebrate your life, not just remember the loss. After much searching on my part, your name came together in a more perfect way than I could have planned. The name Liesel Marie means "In the pain of this wished for child, God has been my satisfaction." It truly sums up that time.

Every month, when my cycle came around, I would relive the loss, guilt, and pain. It gave me a new burden for women who want to or have chosen abortion. I was feeling so hurt and guilty about something which I had no control over; I couldn't even imagine what those women must feel knowing that they choose to kill their child. So again, thank you for teaching me that compassion.

This month, the month you would have been born, has been especially difficult. Many times, I have literally felt empty inside, like there's a hole in me. Once again, I have had to surrender you to God, being thankful that you are with Him, and trusting in His plan. 

As I look back over the last nine months, I am incredibly humbled and grateful for the ways in which your unexpected life and loss have allowed me to connect with, encourage, and be encouraged by other women. I pray that I can continue to reach others and bring glory to God through my experience, and know that this time has not been in vain. 

And so, my dear Liesel Marie, you may have been with us for only a few short weeks, but you had a grand impact on our lives. I may never hold you in my arms on this earth, but I look forward with joy to the hope I have of meeting you in Heaven. 

I love you, 

     -your Mama

For His Mercy Endures Forever - Write The Word

Today's main text is Psalm 136:1-12, with the rest of the passage to be copied out tomorrow.

O give thanks unto the LORD, for he is good: 

for his mercy endureth forever. 

O give thanks unto the God of gods: 

for his mercy endureth forever. 

O give thanks unto the Lord of lords: 

for his mercy endureth forever. 

To him who alone doeth great wonders: 

for his mercy endureth forever. 

To him that by wisdom made the heavens: 

for his mercy endureth forever. 

To him that stretched out the earth above the waters: 

for his mercy endureth forever. 

To him that made great lights: 

for his mercy endureth forever: 

the sun to rule by day: 

for his mercy endureth forever: 

the moon and stars to rule by night:

for his mercy endureth forever. 

To him that smote Egypt in their first born: 

for his mercy endureth forever: 

and brought out Israel from among them: 

for his mercy endureth forever: 

with a strong hand and a stretched out arm: 

for his mercy endureth forever. 

Webster's Dictionary: Mercy

      - From the Latin merces "price paid for something, wages, reward" and the old French mercit or merci "kindness or pity shown to someone"

     - #1 A kind and gentle treatment of someone (as a wrongdoer or opponent) having no right to it. 

      -  #2 A blessing as an act of divine love.

Synonyms

      - Clemency: a mild or merciful disposition in the person having the power to punish.

      - Leniency: the repeated overlooking of mistakes by one not inclined to punish. 

     - But he, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity, and destroyed them not: yea, many a time turned he his anger away, and did not stir up all his wrath. For he remembered that they were but flesh; a wind that passeth away, and cometh not again. - Psalm 78:38-39

      - Be merciful until me, O LORD: for I cry unto thee daily. Rejoice the soul of thy servant: for unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul. For thou, LORD, art good, and ready to forgive; and plentious in mercy unto all them that call upon thee. - Psalm 86:3-5

      - I will praise thee, O LORD my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore. For great is they mercy toward me: and thou hast delivered my soul from the lowest hell.  - Psalm 86:12-13

     - But thou, O LORD, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering, and plentious in mercy and truth. O turn unto me, and have mercy upon me: give thy strength unto thy servant, and save the son of thine handmaid. - Psalm 86:15-16

      God has the power to punish, and He does at times, but that is not His first inclination. He is not waiting around for the first opportunity to punish us. No, instead, "many a time turned he his anger away". He repeatedly overlooks our mistakes, wrongdoing, and opposition of Him, and treats us with kindness and gentleness, because the price for our sin was already paid by Jesus. 

     That, as I see it, is the full definition of mercy; that the person showing mercy takes the price upon himself, and therefore can treat someone who doesn't deserve it with kindness and gentleness. Just as the Samaritan, who showed kindness and gentleness to a man who didn't deserve it, by paying the full price of his lodging and care himself. In such a way God shows mercy to us, taking all the cost of it upon Himself. Truly, His mercy endures forever.

Proverbs 31 - In Closing

I was kind of surprised this morning to find that I had come to the end of Proverbs 31 study. It's been such an on-going study that I hadn't realized how close I was getting to finishing. 

But, in closing, I wanted to say a few words to wrap it up. This list of seventeen attributes that I have created here are not meant to be a to-do list for us to cross off every day just for the sake of crossing off. Nor are they the benchmark for a "perfect Christian woman" or a way to measure our own righteousness or a recipe for a perfect life.

However, I do believe that these are things which we should be seeking after, praying for, and practicing in our lives. They are attributes which God will work in us and through us as He changes our heart to be more like His, and which show His character to a world desperately needing Christ. 

I pray that God has used this study to work in your life as I know He has done in mine. So many times, completely without planning on my part, whichever attribute I was studying that week spoke so clearly to something I was dealing with. 

I don't know what I'll study from here, or if I'll keep posting it on the blog, but may we all continue to seek to be like Christ and study His words.

Study of Proverbs 31 - Week #18 - Peaceful

"She is not afraid of the snow for her household..." v. 21

"..and she shall rejoice in time to come." v. 25

A godly woman is peaceful. Some versions of the Bible translate verse 25 as "she will rejoice without fear of the future." She doesn't spend her time worrying and fretting and afraid of the future. 

Webster's Dictionary - Peaceful: untroubled by conflict, agitation, or commotion

Webster's Dictionary - Unworried: not afflicted with mental distress or agitation

I appreciate Webster's definition of peaceful; it doesn't mean "to not experience conflict, etc.", but rather to be "to not be troubled by the conflict that we do experience."

1. Numbers 6:26 - the Lord gives peace
2. Deuteronomy 31:6-8 - do not be afraid, because God fights for you
3. Joshua 10:25 - " "
4. Psalm 3:5-6 - do not be afraid, for the Lord will sustain you
5. Psalm 4:8 - be at peace because the Lord takes care of you
6. Psalm 23:4 - fear no evil, for God is with you
7. Psalm 27:1-5 - who will we fear? The Lord is our strength
8. Psalm 29:11 - the Lord will bless with peace
9. Psalm 55:18 - He will deliver us into peace
10. Psalm 55:22 - cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you
11. Psalm 56:3-4, 11 - I will not fear for my trust is in the Lord
12. Psalm 85:8 - God will speak peace to His people
13. Psalm 91:1-6 - God is our refuge and fortress, so we do not need to fear
14. Psalm 112:7-8 - do not be afraid; trust in the Lord
15. Psalm 118:6 - I will not fear for the Lord is on my side
16. Psalm 119:165 - those who love God's law have great peace
17. Proverbs 3:5-6 - trust in the Lord, and He will guide you
18. Isaiah 26:3 - those who trust the Lord will be kept in perfect peace
19. Isaiah 26:12 - the Lord will make peace, and will work for us
20. Isaiah 41:10, 13 - fear not, the Lord will help you
21. Isaiah 43:1-5 - fear not; God has redeemed you and will be with you
22. Jeremiah 29:11 - God's plan is for our good
23. Joel 2:21-22 - do not be afraid; the Lord will do great things
24. Matthew 6:25-34 - you can not add to your life by worrying; God will care for you.
25. Luke 12:22-31 - " "
26. John 14:27 - God gives His peace to us
27. John 16:33 - we have peace in Jesus because He overcame the World
28. Romans 8:6 - focusing on spiritual things life and peace
29. Romans 14:17 - the kingdom of God is peace in the Holy Ghost
30. Romans 15:13 - we have peace through the hope from God and the Holy Ghost
31. Galations 5:22 - a fruit of the Spirit is peace
32. Philippians 4:6-7 - do not worry; but by prayer and thanksgiving let the peace of God keep you
33. 2 Thessalonians 3:16 - the Lord of peace Himself gives you peace
34. 1 Peter 5:6-8 - cast your cares on God because He cares for you

The characteristic of peace is very similar to the last topic of joy, in that true peace is not dependent on the circumstances around us or based on our own ability to plan for and control the future. True peace comes from the Lord. 

We do not need to fear our present situation or whatever the future brings, because God. God will guide us; He cares for us; He has redeemed us and has a good plan for us; He will do great things! He will fight for us, and sustain us, and give us strength; He is our refuge and He will deliver and keep us in peace. 

Fear is something I struggle with so much, and it constantly pushes me back to prayer, to cast my cares on Him. Some of my fears are simply irrational, but many of them are fears of unknown or unwanted situations. I'm continually learning that I can trust God, not because He will keep me from those hard situations, but because He will never leave me as I walk through them.

Study of Proverbs 31 - Week #17 - Joyful

"Strength and honor are her clothing, and she shall rejoice in time to come." v.25

Strong's Concordance - Rejoice: to laugh, to play, to make merry

Webster's Dictionary - Rejoice: to feel joy or great delight

Webster's Dictionary - Joyful: experiencing, causing, or showing joy

1. 1 Chronicles 16:10 - let those who seek the Lord rejoice
2. Psalm 5:11 - let those who trust in God rejoice
3. Psalm 16:8-11 - in His presence is fullness of joy
4. Psalm 20:5 - we rejoice in God and His salvation, in His name we set up our banners
5. Psalm 21:1 - our joy is in the Lord's strength
6. Psalm 30:5 - joy comes in the morning because in His favor is life
7. Psalm 31:7-8 - we rejoice for God knows our trouble and adversity
8. Psalm 32:10-11 - rejoice because of the Lord's mercy
9. Psalm 33:21 - rejoice, because you trust in His name
10. Psalm 35:9 - my soul will be joyful in the Lord's salvation
11. Psalm 40:16 - let those that seek the Lord rejoice
12. Psalm 43:3-5 - in His light and truth, we go unto God in joy and hope
13. Psalm 51:12 - our joy is in His salvation
14. Psalm 63:3-7 - we will praise Him with joyful lips because of his Help and lovingkindness
15. Psalm 70:4 - let those that seek the Lord rejoice
16. Psalm 90:14 - we rejoice because of the Lord's mercy
17. Psalm 95:1-2 - make a joyful noise with thanksgiving to the rock of our salvation
18. Psalm 97:1 - rejoice because the Lord reigns
19. Psalm 118:24 - rejoice because the Lord has made this day
20. Proverbs 12:20 - those who promote peace have joy
21. Ecclesiasties 3:4 - there is a time for everything, to laugh and dance
22. Isaiah 12:2-3 - we have joy because God is our salvation
23. Isaiah 51:3 - there is joy where the Lord rebuilds
24. Isaiah 61:3 - the Lord give joy for mourning
25. Isaiah 61:10 - our joy comes from God's salvation and righteousness
26. Jeremiah 15:16 - God's word is our joy
27. Joel 2:21 - do not fear, but rejoice, for the Lord will do great things
28. Habbakuk 3:17-19 - even when everything goes wrong, I will rejoice in God's salvation
29. John 15:11 - as we abide in God's love our joy will be full
30. John 16:22 - no man can take away the joy that Christ gives
31. Romans 5:10-11 - we have joy in God because of the atonement of God
32. Romans 12:12 - rejoice in hope through trials
33. Romans 12:15 - rejoice with those who rejoice
34. Romans 14:17 - the kingdom of God is about righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost
35. Romans 15:13 - our faith in Christ brings peace and joy
36. Galations 5:22- a fruit of the Spirit is joy
37. Philippians 4:4 - rejoice in the Lord always
38. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - rejoice forever, through prayer and thanksgiving
39. James 1:2-4 - there is joy even in trials, because trying our faith grows us

I found it interesting when I looked up the word "joy" in Webster's Dictionary, that it was defined as "the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires." Unfortunately, that very conditional emotion is the only thing the world knows of joy, and is also our first instinct - our situation dictates our joy. 

But in reading the scriptures you get such a different picture of joy. The joy of the Lord is not conditional by any means. In fact, I think Habbakuk 3:17-19 does a very good job of showing that even if everything is falling apart around you, you can still find joy in God. James reiterates that you should specifically choose joy when you go through trials, because the trying of your faith will build you and make you stronger. Our life is Christ is about so much more than just what we eat or drink, or what happens to us; it is about living a life of righteousness, peace, and joy through the Holy Spirit.

So, what do we find our joy in? In God, and in His name. It is because of who He is that we can have joy. In His presence, in His favor, in His strength, in His light and truth we find joy. In His Word, in His love, in His atonement of us, in His help and kindness we find joy. Those who seek and trust the Lord can find great joy no matter what is happening around them.

This joy in an outpouring of Christ through us as we abide in His love and are filled with His spirit. We rejoice because we know that God sees our troubles, and yet we rejoice even more because we know that God reigns and that He is our salvation. Even if there is brokenness, and messiness, and mistakes in your life, there will be great joy as God rebuilds, and take comfort knowing that He will change joy for mourning. 

No matter what happens, through prayer and thanksgiving, we can experience joy always, and no one can take away the joy that comes from Christ.

Write the Word - Peace

The last few weeks have been hard over here. Between a variety of health issues over the past few months, and my grandma's passing, and a few situations which are full of uncertainty, I was left feeling entirely overwhelmed and nowhere near strong enough to handle it all yesterday. 

As yesterday was my normal Bible-study day, I decided to take a break from the Proverbs 31 study to focus more strongly on what I really needed, and I chose to do that through writing out scripture. I love writing the Word; it helps me to focus on and absorb the truth so much more than simply reading it. I hope that these verses also help you, wherever you're at today. 

Even in the nighttime, when it's dark, and scary, and I have no idea what is going on, the Lord still guides me and instructs me. If the Lord is before me, I can rest in hope, and rejoice.

 This is a long time favorite of mine; I believe that I will see God's goodness in this life, and that keeps me going. I can find strength and courage as I wait on the Lord.

 This is my March theme verse; I don't have to do everything, and I don't have to do it all now. God is working, and I can wait patiently for Him, and find rest as I wait.

No matter what the circumstance, I can trust that God is in control, that He is working, and that He will be with me - as I fix my mind on that truth, He will fill me with His perfect peace. 

 

Whether I walk through the water, or the river, or the fire, I will not be overwhelmed, because the One who created me has called me His own, and is always with me. 

Christ has given His peace to us, but not as the World gives it. The World gives things circumstantially, conditionally, and expecting something in return. Christ has given me His peace fully, unconditionally, as much as I need, and not based on the circumstances. So my heart does not need to be troubled or afraid.

A hand is made for doing things - a hand builds, moves, cleans, holds. Whatever God's hand is doing in my life, I need to humbled myself under it. And as I wait for His work and timing, I can cast all my cares on Him knowing that He does care for me.