For those of you who read this post's title and asked "Who's Mrs. Vanderbilt?", well, let me enlighten you. Amy Vanderbilt was a lovely lady from New York City, who lived from 1908 til 1974. Most importantly, she is the author of the book entitled Mrs. Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette. Sounds like a thrilling masterpiece, doesn't it?
Well, I must confess that etiquette is quite fascinating to me. I wish that I could send the entire world through a 1800's etiquette bootcamp, and on many occasions my own dear, patient sister wants to slap me for my insistence that the lady ought to walk on the right side of the gentleman.
I realize, of course, that I will never reform the world. But, after spending an afternoon researching and compiling a list of proper 1800's etiquette for a class I am teaching, I thought I would share my findings with you all.
Now, before, I go any further, let me add one little caveat. I'm not suggesting we follow all of these rules now-a-days, and I will admit that even when I'm re-enacting I don't always follow these rules as accurately as I ought. Things like always wearing gloves in public, never crossing your legs, and never dancing more than two dances with the same partner are all rules that I break almost habitually while re-enacting (especially the last one!). Some of them I would even say are down right ridiculous (like married couples never sitting together at a dinner party). However, it would be nice to see some more politeness and gentility in this world, and when one is re-enacting these things do help in giving an accurate portrayal of that era. Thus...the following rules for your enjoyment:
Etiquette For Ladies:
1. ALWAYS graciously accept gentlemanly offers of assistance.
2. ALWAYS wear gloves on the street, at church and other formal occasions, except while eating or drinking. Remove your gloves after being seated at the table.
3. NEVER refer to an adult by their first name in public.
4. NEVER grab your hoops or lift your skirts higher than is absolutely necessary to go up the stairs.
5. NEVER lift your hoops or skirt up onto a chair or stool, (Wait for or ask for assistance when sitting down.)
6. NEVER sit with you legs crossed; except at the ankles.
7. NEVER speak in a loud, coarse voice.
Etiquette For Gentlemen:
ALWAYS:
1. Wear gloves on the street, in church & other formal occasions, except when eating or drinking.
2. Stand up when a lady enters a room (or your presence in a large room).
3. Stand up when a lady stands.
4. Offer a lady your seat if no others are available.
5. Assist a lady with her chair when she sits down or stands, especially when at a table or when the chairs are small and light.
6. Retrieve dropped items for a lady.
7. Open doors for a lady.
8. Help a lady with her coat, cloak, shawl, etc.
9. Offer to bring a lady refreshments if they are available.
10. Offer your arm to escort a lady (with whom you are acquainted) into or out of a building or a room at all social events, and whenever walking on uneven ground.
11. Remove your hat when entering a building.
12. Lift your hat to a lady when she greets you in public
13. It is proper to offer a lady his arm, particularly in the evening and it should always be the right arm. People passing should observe the law of "turn to the right" and in this way the lady would not be jostled. It is always proper for a gentleman walking alone to give the lady or a gentleman with a lady, the inside of the walk.
NEVER:
1. Refer
to another person by their first name in public.
2. Curse
or discuss "impolite" subjects when ladies are present.
3. Leave
a lady you know unattended, except with permission.
4. Use
tobacco in any form when ladies are present.
5. Greet
a lady in public unless she acknowledges you first.
6. Eat
or drink while wearing gloves.
Etiquette for the Dining Room:
1. Married couples of never seated together.
2. It is ridiculous to make a display of your napkin.
3. Never ask for “meat” instead of beef.
4. Never take bread, even when it is within your reach, without calling
for a servant.
5. Never cut your bread with a knife - it should be broken by hand.
6. Always use your napkin before and after drinking.
7. Be punctual for all dinner engagements. Food may not be served before
all guests are seated.
8. The gentlemen are to tend to the needs of the lady on their left, as
well as make agreeable conversation with ladies to either side and
across the table (size of table permitting).
9. A lady never serves herself from a buffet line. She informs her
dinner partner of her wishes and he brings her plate to her.
10. Gentlemen may tuck his napkin into his collar to prevent soiling his
shirt or tie, but ladies should place their napkin in their laps.
11. Do not use your knife to carry food to your mouth or put your knife
into your mouth.
12. Do not rinse your mouth out and spit into the finger bowls or water
glas.
13. Do not gorge yourself excessively during any one course. Never ask
for seconds as all other diners must wait until you are finished
before being served the next course.
Etiquette for the Ballroom:
1. Gentleman, request the “honor” of the dance.
2. Ladies, never refuse one gentleman and accept another for the same
dance, unless it was previously promised.
3. Gentlemen, lead the lady on and off the dance floor.
4. Bow and curtsy before starting to dance.
5. Gentlemen, always thank the lady for the honor of dancing with her
6. Ladies, a smile and a nod are sufficient response to a gentleman's
“Thank
you”.
7. Never dance with the same partner more than once, or at most twice,
during the same evening, especially with your spouse.
8. Gentlemen, when at a dance you are expected to dance, and dance
frequently, leaving no "wall-flowers" who are willing, and
waiting to dance
9. Young ladies should avoid sauntering about the hall or leaving the
ballroom alone; they should be accompanied by a guardian or a
trustworthy gentleman of their acquaintance.
10. At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance with a lady
without an introduction, but at public balls he must first secure an
introduction from a mutual acquaintance or the master of ceremonies.
11. During the course of a dance, one should endeavor to look pleasant,
politely greeting other couples in the set as one moves through the
figures of the dance. However, one should not dance or caper in a
manner that would draw attention to oneself.
12. When a dance is complete, the gentleman should offer refreshment or a
stroll to his partner. If she declines, he should conduct her to her
seat and thank her again for the dance, whereupon she should smile
and nod politely.
And there you have it: just a small sampling of good manners from the 1800's. You should try some of them sometime........it's not all that bad!
